How do I even comprehend this? What do I do? How do I wake up tomorrow morning and live life without her here?
We've known for a few days this was coming. I actually got the phone call about 2:15 on a school day. Sara covered my class and my team covered my dismissal duty. (Because I have the best partner and best team ever.)
After all the kids were gone, I tried to call Mom, but she had a client and couldn't talk right then. I began to cry. I knew when I started, I would not stop. And I didn't....it was ugly. I didn't care. My heart was shattering while still beating. How does that happen? I raced for a trash can and heaved up my lunch. That had never happened before...and wasn't really on my bucket list if I'm being honest here. I called Janell and she came out and just hugged me. Sara came back from duty, and she and Janell both kept saying, "I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say." And, can I just say, that is the PERFECT response. There is nothing to say to this kind of pain. They are my friends and they were there with me during the most painful moment of my life. That is all that I needed.
I told J a few days later. We weren't sure of the exact date of return, and the uncertainty was hard for an adult. A sweet, innocent 5 year old didn't need dragged into that uncertainty any sooner than she had to be. She was quiet and had some questions. Later that day we began some packing. I was a little nervous about this, but it was amazing. She walked straight up to the dollhouse and knew exactly which dolls and stuffed animals were hers. The same with the bookshelf and the toy chest and the dresser drawers. She even got a fun, silly grin on her face when she held up a stuffed animal I've had since I was a little girl and said, "Alyssa, can I take this one?" I just looked right back at her with a fun, silly grin and said, "No, you can't take that one with you." and she laughed and put it back.
As life always goes, and humans make life messy (y'all know that already though, right?), the timing changed. There has been more uncertainty than I would like.
But today was the day. She is gone. As far as I know, I will never see her again. God knows where she is. My prayer for her is to know Him intimately. That they will be best friends. I was at If: Gathering in Austin a few days ago, and Christine Caine challenged us to pray for a miracle. Something so big, only God could make it happen and all glory would go to Him. I'm praying for J's biomom to become a believer. I'm praying for women in her life to surround her with truth and love and grace and support. If her mom becomes a believer, then she will lead her children to love Jesus, too.
I bought a recordable storybook called Under the Same Moon. As I read it out-loud, recording my voice for her to listen to whenever she wants, I was thinking of the days she will be gone. And on the last page, my voice broke just a bit. She will always have my heart, but she is not mine to have.
I wrote her mom a letter. I want her to know how much J has been loved. I want her to know I'm cheering her on and rooting for her, even though we don't know each other. I want her to know that J is getting good at riding her bike with training wheels, and doesn't like green beans but loves broccoli. I want her to know nights are still a little hard, but she loves cuddling and reading stories. I want her to be able to experience the time J has been in my home so that, as a mother, she doesn't feel quite so disconnected.
My heart walked out the door today in the form of a little 5 year old girl. And I may not ever get it back. But there is a little girl out there that knows she is loved. And that is worth losing my heart for...
"Blessed Be Your Name"